Tips for new dads

  • Don’t complain about grocery shopping, cleaning house, and making dinner… you got off easy on this one.
  • Watching an entire, uninterrupted episode of Law and Order should be considered a major accomplishment.
  • Childless yuppie couples with small dogs will say things like “I know what you are going through… when Sam was a puppy it was really tough on us”. Resist the urge to punch them in the face.
  • Not going to a bar, restaurant, club, movie theater, mall, or store of any kind means unexpected and significant financial savings.
  • You will get peed on, barfed on, and pooped on. Get used to it.
  • Everyone will ask you “are you getting any sleep?”, so come up with some sort of clever answer to that a la Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions
  • Single friends will invite you to go “party” or participate in other beer-soaked activities such as weekend road trips. They may be confused as to why you decline the invite. Similarly your drunken buddies will have a hard time understanding why you’re not so keen on inviting them over for the big game anymore. But don’t worry about that, because the next bullet point solves that problem.
  • Your single male friends (and most of your wife’s single female) will disappear faster than spiked punch on prom night.
  • Your wife will most likely go insane at some point from spending every waking hour placating a screaming 10-pound meatloaf. Give her a break for a couple hours a day. You can walk a baby and drink beer at the same time, trust me.
  • Your weird childless neighbors will offer to babysit and you will seriously consider it, even though they chain-smoke cigarettes and are possibly alcoholics.
  • Women, especially young women and baby-crazed thirty-somethings will pay a lot of attention to you, especially if you are walking the baby. Take pride in the fact that you have reached the pinnacle of the socio-sexual food chain, but resist the urge to punch yourself in the face because you can’t do a thing to capitalize on it.
  • As a young yuppie parent you are now part of an exclusive club. Bask in your own sense of superiority as you discuss the latest in stroller technology, baby yoga, and the importance of early registration into the most competitive preschools. Prepare to judge and be judged by effete suburbanites who only allow Tyler and Madison to wear organic cotton and use the finest triple-milled French soaps. You will soon recognize that yuppie parents are perhaps the scariest people you will ever meet.  And that you are now one of them.

3 thoughts on “Tips for new dads

  1. Mexipixie

    On the record…as Mrs. Sassy’s dearest single gal pal, I would so be there all the time if it wasn’t for the 16 hour plane trip every weekend.

    Besos to the familia and keep the photos coming. Updating flickr is now a top ten parental responsibility.

  2. Richard Powell

    Hey Sass. Let me start off by saying you are the man and your family is beutiful! I grew up in SD and iam ready to come home. I have 18 years experience in fine dinning resaurants and I am only 35 times are tough right now, but I am ready to come home! I grew up in SD and come back home every summer. What are my chances of finding a good job?

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